i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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