My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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