I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
