I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize