Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Randomize
