like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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