I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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