Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
