I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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