Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
