Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
