We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
