Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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