please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can feel your judgement through the phone
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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