I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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