I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
