What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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