last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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