Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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