I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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