This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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