there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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