He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
