There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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