so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
