Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
