I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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