Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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