how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
