just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize