My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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