I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
