I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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