It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
