You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I deserve this hangover.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
