3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
