i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
