My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize