He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
