community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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