I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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