Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
