he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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