If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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