it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
