I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
