Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
