Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
