Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
