Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize