she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
