when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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