Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
