Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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