a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
