My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize