I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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