Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
