if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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